One of the biggest issues I??ve had growing up is that I had absolutely no self-confidence; I would always shrink back into my shell and hope that nobody noticed me. Sometimes it worked, other times it made me an even bigger target. High school can be an awesome experience for a lot of kids, and it can be a huge nightmare for others. Those who lived it up in high school cannot understand what it is like for the outcasts, the ones who are different from everybody else. I was very much misunderstood; most took my shyness and quietness for being stuck up, which only made it worse. My friends it seemed were always defending me at one point or another, but it never fully went away: the idea that I was someone that should not be dealt with.
I did have great friends. I??m still friends, at least on some level, with most of them even today, through the invention of social media. It??s not the same of course, but it??s nice to keep in contact. But it was super hard watching them living it up in high school while I sat on the sidelines and sulked. I was always invited, but most of the time I ended up being the third wheel, and that sometimes felt worse than being alone. So my Friday nights usually consisted of TGIF on ABC (some of you are probably too young to remember that!), while my friends were out with their boyfriends and girlfriends. When I did go out with them, I was odd man out, pretty much all of the time. Guys didn??t want a girlfriend that weighed more than them . But I think back then, in my mind, because that??s what I thought, I pushed them away myself. My lack of self-confidence outshined my physical self, because I didn??t try. I used my own weight as a barrier to keep a lot of people out.
Today, I??ve still got a self-confidence issue that takes up a big part of my life. I??m much better, of course, and I was able to open myself up enough to find someone that loves me for who I am, not for what I look like. He has helped me get over the hurdles on the path to my self-confidence, although I still haven??t reached the end of that path quite yet. Now that I??m losing weight, I??m feeling better not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. It makes me feel good to see my weight and blood pressure going down, to be able to climb flights of stairs without having to stop at the top and catch my breath, and to feel my clothes starting to get loose on me. I??m still jumping those hurdles, and I know that the end of the path is coming, where I can be confidant in myself again.
I??m not trying to say that being thin will make me happy. I will probably never be thin, at least not ??celebrity thin??. I can be thinner than I am now, but most importantly I can be healthy. Being healthy is what??s going to make me feel good again, and that??s the goal I??m going for!